The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists: A Novel

London, 1840: Wagner’s latest opera plays to packed houses while disgruntled workers gather in crowded pubs to eat ice cream and plan the downfall of the bourgeoisie. And the Pirate Captain––his disguise proving something of a letdown––finds himself incarcerated at Scotland Yard, in a case of mistaken identity.

Discovering that his doppelgänger is none other than Karl Marx, the Captain and his crew are unwittingly caught up in a sinister plot that involves a red-eyed monster, stolen waxworks, and a sack of pretend kittens.

From the gloomy streets of Soho to the leafy boulevards of Paris, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists is a story of intellectual giants, enormous beards, volcanoes and valkyries, doubloons and dancing girls, and a quest to discover whether ham might really be the opium of the people.

This volume also includes, at no additional charge, The Wit and Wisdom of the Pirate Captain––a Major Philosophical Work

On the Matter of Love:

If you’re off to fight in a battle, snap a ship’s biscuit in half and give your girlfriend the other half. When you meet again, they will match––like two halves of a single soul! Hopefully, this will stop her sleeping with other men.

On the Question of Gravy Stains:

It is my opinion that the best way to get gravy stains out of cotton or wool is to soak the fabric in vinegar for half an hour. . . . If this doesn’t work, try burning the gravy off with a match or getting a hungry dog to lick it off.

On Life in General:

Life is like a big shanty. Everything will be fine so long as everyone sings in harmony. But if someone plays a duff note on the accordion or tries to break-dance at a sensitive bit, then there will be all sorts of trouble, mark my words.