The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook

Somewhere, someone is having a perfect Christmas, filled with chestnuts roasting and sleigh bells ringing…

Screw ‘em.

Most of us are having just the opposite: a nutcrackin’ nightmare of anger, hurt feelings, evil in-laws, and carbs beyond counting. A time when grudges grow and gasses pass. A time of maxed-out credit cards and a ham that the vegetarians are ready to hurl through the frosty window.

It’s that holidays that we celebrate here.

Evil little brothers, pregnant tattooed sisters, horny dogs, and cross-dressing dads–they’re all here, ready to spread their Christmas cheer. So untangle the lights, spill some eggnog, and gather ‘round the place where happier families would have a piano. Now prepare to enjoy all the carols you love–with new lyrics you’ll love even more. “O Holy Fight,” “Silent Wife,” and “Grandpa Fell” (the ballad of Gramps and his bourbon, set to the tune of “Jingle Bells”). Yes, all your old favorites are here, with words that express, at last, the true sentiments of the season.

Remember: We wish you a Merry Christmas! But we can’t guarantee it.