"My kid is smart, but..." It takes more than school smarts to create a fulfilling life. In fact, many bright children face special challenges: <ul>
<li>Some are driven by perfectionism;</li>
<li>Some are afraid of effort, because they're used to instant success;</li>
<li>Some routinely butt heads with authority figures;</li>
<li>Some struggle to get along with their peers ;</li>
<li>Some are outwardly successful but just don't feel good about themselves.</li>
</ul>
This practical and compassionate book explains the reasons behind these struggles and offers parents do-able strategies to help children cope with feelings, embrace learning, and build satisfying relationships. Drawing from research as well as the authors’ clinical experience, it focuses on the essential skills children need to make the most of their abilities and become capable, confident, and caring people. Q&amp;A with Co-Author Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD Co-Author Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD Why did you write a book about smart kids? It’s ironic that the children (and adults) who are most frightened about not being good enough are often the most capable. These children may become extremely anxious before tests--even though they’re very competent academically. They may spend way too much time on assignments or refuse to do anything where they aren’t instantly successful. They may also pick apart their social performance--“I shouldn’t have said that. She’ll be mad at me.” To the outside world, these kids may seem confident, but their parents often see the other side: their stress, suffering, and even emotional melt-downs. The world tells bright children that their performance matters; they need us, their parents, to tell them that they are much more than the sum of their accomplishments. They need to know that we love them for their kindness, curiosity, imagination, determination, and sense of fun. Qualities like these aren’t necessarily impressive, but they matter deeply. You discuss “the burden of potential.” What does that mean? “Potential” becomes a burden when we see it too narrowly, as a predestined calling to greatness. This causes children to be weighed down by other people’s expectations. It limits their ability to explore and discover and sometimes even mess up and try again. A narrow view of potential focuses on an imaginary future ideal rather than the real child in front of us. Potential is not an endpoint but a capacity to grow and learn. It makes no sense to talk about children “not living up to their potential,” as if there were some lofty gold ring that our children will either jump high enough to reach or else fall short. In real life, there are lots of choices, lots of chances, and lots of paths. Do parents need to push their children to be successful? No. Pushing might work with some very compliant children, but many children will actively resist heavy-handed efforts to control them, and the resulting conflicts can get ugly. Children who perceive their parents as very critical of them are also more likely to feel depressed and anxious. Rather than trying to push our children, it makes more sense to help them develop their own motivation to do well. Research points to three components of inner motivation: 1) Competence--Mastering a new skill feels satisfying, but children will avoid doing things where they don’t believe they can be successful. Breaking tasks down so they can have small successes along the way helps increase motivation. 2) Autonomy--Children are more likely to do something if they have some choice in how they do it or at least a rationale that makes sense to them about why they should do it. 3) Connection--Children want to do things that make them feel connected to people or groups who matter to them. Our children are most likely to embrace our values when we have a warm and caring relationship with them. What about self-esteem? What can we do to make sure our kids feel good about themselves? It makes intuitive sense that if children feel good about themselves, it will help them do well in life. Extensive research says this idea is just plain wrong. Higher self-esteem does not lead to better school performance or better relationships, and it also doesn’t prevent kids from smoking, using alcohol or drugs, or engaging in early sex. Telling children, “You’re great!” or “You’re so smart!” can actually backfire by making them afraid to try activities where they might not appear great or smart right away. Self-esteem is specific, rather than general. Children have beliefs about how well they can perform in math, baseball, videogames, and being helpful to their parents. If we want our children to have better self-esteem in a particular area, we need to help them actually do better in that area. Anything else is just wishful thinking that won’t stand up to the feedback of reality. Self-esteem can’t be given; it has to be earned. How can parents find the line between being involved but not too involved with their children? Every day we hear dire news: lay-offs, economic decline, wars, environmental crises, appalling acts of greed and betrayal by business and religious leaders… So of course parents wonder, “Is my kid going to be okay?” It’s instinctive to want to protect our children from suffering, but dealing with challenges and disappointments can help children develop coping abilities. If we step in too quickly to solve problems that our children could solve themselves, we steal their opportunity to learn important life skills. We can empathize, we can coach, we can explain, but we need to be careful not to take over so that our children can discover that setbacks are unpleasant but tolerable and often temporary. The miracle of children is that we just don’t know how they will change, or who they will become. Our job as parents is not to decide our children’s path but to try to equip them for their journey and to have faith that they will find their way.

Smart Parenting for Smart Kids: Nurturing Your Child's True Potential

Parenting & Relationships

Kennedy-Moore, Eileen

Lowenthal, Mark S.

Parenting

Jossey-Bass

"Expression is the link between internal experience and the outside world. It is intimately connected to who we are, how we feel, and how we relate to others," write psychologists Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Jeanne C. Watson. With clinical sensitivity and empirical rigor, the authors describe the many forms of emotional expression and nonexpression and their implications for personal well-being and social relationships. Vivid clinical examples translate theory into practice. This clearly-written book guides mental health professionals and students in understanding and treating problems in emotional behavior.

Expressing Emotion: Myths, Realities, and Therapeutic Strategies

Health, Fitness & Dieting

Watson, Jeanne C.

Mental Health

The Guilford Press

Emotional expression is the link between internal experience and the outside world. It is intimately connected to who we are, how we feel, and how we relate to others. In daily life, expression enables people to communicate with each other and influence relationships; in psychotherapy, it provides important information about how clients are feeling and how they are relating to the therapist. This lucid volume examines expressions of such feelings as love, anger, and sadness, and highlights the individual and interpersonal processes that shape emotional behavior. It offers a lively and comprehensive discussion of the role of emotional expression and nonexpression in individual adaptation, social interaction, and therapeutic process. Drawing upon extensive theory and research, the authors provide coherent guidelines to help clinicians, researchers, and students identify, conceptualize, and treat problems in emotional behavior. They show that expression and nonexpression come in many different forms, with a wide range of personal and relational consequences. The effects of expressing one's feelings depend on what is expressed, to whom, in what way, and in what context. Expression can lead to greater self-knowledge, enhanced coping, and fuller intimacy, but it can also result in embarrassment, misunderstanding, or rejection. Conversely, nonexpression can involve a frustrating lack of opportunity to express, or problems in accessing or articulating feelings, but it can also reflect cultural values or effective coping efforts. Through vivid clinical examples, the authors illuminate a range of problems related to both expression and nonexpression, and provide insight into how these can be addressed in individual and couple therapy. This practical and clearly written guide is an important resource for teachers, students, and researchers of clinical, counseling, social, personality, and health psychology, as well as practicing counselors and psychotherapists. It will also serve as a text in advanced undergraduate and graduate-level courses on emotion and interpersonal communication, and in graduate-level counseling and psychotherapy seminars.

Expressing Emotion: Myths, Realities, and Therapeutic Strategies (Emotions and Social Behavior)

FOR CHILDREN AGES 3-8: When a young boy sees his parents preoccupied with his sister, the baby, and daily chores, he wonders, "What About Me?" This charming and compassionate picture book offers children positive choices for coping with feelings of jealousy or being left out. It deftly handles the issue of sibling rivalry by showing how every child can learn kind, helpful, and creative ways to ask for loving attention.

What About Me?: Twelve Ways to Get Your Parents' Attention (Without Hitting Your Sister)

Children's Books

Growing Up & Facts of Life

Parenting Press

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Books by Kennedy-Moore, Eileen