I Will Not Kill Myself, Olivia

Depression is like drowning, when everyone around you is breathing …
You can say that again. A lot of people think that depression is just sadness, but it’s so, so much more than that. It’s fear, emptiness, shame, embarrassment, numbness, and an exhaustion so overwhelming that it’s a struggle just to get out of bed. It’s a world without color or laughter. It’s looking in the mirror and hating what you see. It’s having no confidence, no hope, no belief in your future. It’s feeling like a worthless, pathetic, hopeless failure, and that the world would be better off without you.

My name’s Jimmy Wharton, and if you have depression yourself, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
And, you’ll also understand me when I say that the thing I hate most about depression is how alone it makes you feel – because due to the stigma surrounding it, depression is so, so difficult to talk about. Take my friends for instance. Corey, Brent, Chris, Sean, Steve and I have been best mates for the last 15 years, but we’re used to talking about college, girls and sport, so what would they say if I all of a sudden told them that I lie up late at night wishing I was dead?

Then there are my parents. It would be nice to be able to tell them, but how would that conversation go? ‘Ma, can you please pass the salt? Oh and by the way, I used one of your steak knives to cut myself last night because I wanted to punish myself for being such a failure.’ Once again, it’s not the easiest conversation to have.

Then there’s Olivia. Beautiful, caring, love-of-my-life Olivia. The girl who used to take care of me when after drowning my misery in alcohol, I’d then start vomiting in the toilet; the girl who used to rub antiseptic cream into the cuts along my arm; and the girl who used to hold me close to her when I’d want to die, and whisper in my ear that I’d get through it and that everything would be OK. Ever since we started going out back in high school, love was the oxygen that we’d breathe each day. But lately, as I’ve been sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of my despair, Olivia’s seemed sort of ... distant. It feels like her warmth has evaporated. Like her passion has been drained. I guess there’s only so much even the most sympathetic person can take, and I have a sickening fear that Olivia’s reaching the end of her tether.

And even worse – that the only reason she’s still with me is because she’s scared that if she leaves, I’ll kill myself.

I’m really determined never to do that – and despite how impossible it seems, I’m trying my damnedest to beat my depression so that I can get my life back on track, make things right with Olivia, and then go on to marry her and have a family – just like we’d always planned. But every day is getting harder and harder, and I’m terrified that no matter how much we love each other, that our relationship is destined to end in disaster.

A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER: If you’re interested in psychology, or in particular, if you struggle with depression yourself or want to learn more about it, then you’ll love this book. But, if you’re after a light-hearted read, or if you dislike swearing and graphic sex scenes, then it is recommended that you read something else.