The Forecast

How to write a counterfeit memoir just like this one: You must learn to lie. But in order to delicately handle truth and fiction, you must live a good chunk of your life first. Fall in love, maybe more than once. Keep your eyes wide open in public places and your imagination wide open in private ones. Watch others rise and fall and see how your life stacks up against the curious biographies of the human race. Get an education. It doesn't matter what kind, as long as it puts man in lower case and God in caps. Then, learn to lie with style. This might take some time. Next, you invent a character. Find out the circumstances of her birth, whether her ancestry points toward life or death. Figure out what she believes about God. Give her a house in the suburbs, dress her with some of your old clothes, but be ready to buy her a new wardrobe if necessary. Chase her down dark alleys and into the bright sunshine. Give her a name like Willow, set her age at 33, and cut off her hand on the first page. Live with your main character for many months. Become both a friend and an enemy; otherwise, the story might just become an ordinary novel. And when you're done, insist she is nothing like you. If you follow these steps, you might have a counterfeit memoir about everything you know is true.