If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?: Your Humorous Guide to the Law

Do you know the difference between caveat emptor and an empty bowl of caviar? Likewise, if you’ve been carjacked, are you the victim of a robbery, burglary, or are you just happy to finally be rid of that 1983 Chevy Nova?

In If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?, you will find the answer to these questions and hundreds of equally silly questions. More importantly, you will learn the fundamental principles of our legal system.

The book is broken into six major parts:

• Constitutional Law
• Contracts
• Torts (Personal Injury)
• Real Property
• Criminal Law
• Courtroom Law

Each part is further broken into chapters. Each chapter discusses related principles of that area of the law and ends with a light-hearted quiz designed to reinforce the major lessons of the chapter.

Of course, at this point, many of you are asking, "Why would I want to learn about the law?" Understanding the law is important because it pervades every aspect of American life. The law touches every relationship you form (husband-wife, employer-employee, used car salesman-sucker, etc.). Also, it governs everything you own (houses, cars, stocks, Beanie Baby collections, etc.).

In short, the law is as pervasive as Internet porn, only less vital to the economy. And sadly, ignorance of the law is not an excuse. Therefore, it only makes sense to acquire a basic understanding of your rights and obligations under the law.

Now, of course, we understand that a book on the law can be as boring as an Al Gore speech on global warming, nuclear peace treaties or any subject for that matter. Therefore, this book is peppered with jokes, cartoons, side-bars and snippets from my weekly legal humor column in an effort to compensate for its subject matter.

In fact, the publisher of this book, Lawpsided Press, makes the following guarantee:

The time you spend reading this book will be the most enjoyable time of your life; provided that: (1) Up until now, you’ve had a very boring life; and (2) You get hit by a bus shortly after finishing this book.

Before reading any further, we want to make clear that this book is not a do-it-yourself guide to the law. This book will not teach you how to write a will, form a corporation or commit a double murder in Brentwood and get away with it.

The purpose of this book is to give you a basic understanding of the law. This basic understanding is meant to serve you in your daily interactions. However, it is not intended to make you into the next F. Lee Bailey (or even, Beetle Bailey for that matter).

Every lawyer must go through the same three-step process – college, law school and frontal lobotomy (although not necessarily in that order). And as you can see from the actions of Congress, the Supreme Court and the "Dream Team," there are no exceptions to this rule.

Furthermore, as you will see in these pages, the law is extremely complex. Moreover, the laws differ in each state and the federal government has its own set of laws.

Even worse, each law is subject to a number of exceptions. And those exceptions have exceptions, which have exceptions and so on.

For instance, in the English language, we have a rule that states, "i before e except after c." In the law, this same rule would be:

"i before e except after c, unless c is preceded by any consonant but p or q and except when appearing in a word that is either at or near the beginning of a sentence, except when that sentence is the first or fourth sentence of a paragraph, unless that paragraph is the first paragraph on an even-numbered page."

Obviously, a book covering this level of detail would be as large as several telephone directories, only far less interesting to read. Therefore, whenever possible, legal rules are simplified to reflect the outcome in most cases.

Needless to say, your particular situation may not fit into the majority case. Therefore, we strongly urge you to seek assistance, when necessary, from a competent attorney (i.e., not the author).

Besides, any do-it-yourself program is likely to turn into a pay-more-for-someone-to-do-it-right-later program. For instance, recently, my wife and I got the "bright" idea of repairing our thermostat. After all, we have 11 years of post-high school education between us. Surely, we can fix a thermostat, right?

Of course, we could not have been more wrong if we were Dan Quayle in the final round on Jeopardy. Two blown fuses and $600 later, we learned that, although a degree in French may have some uses, it’s always better to rely on professionals.

Finally, we would like to point out that you might be offended by some of the humor in this book. Actually, who are we kidding? You will be offended by some of the humor in this book. This is not because the humor is vulgar or in bad taste (well, except for that joke on page 28) but rather because the book makes fun of almost everyone.

Therefore, we ask for your patience and understanding while reading this book. When you encounter a joke that’s not funny (i.e., it’s about your favorite entertainer, politician or worse, you), please continue reading. In no time, you will find a joke that is funny (i.e., it’s about your in-laws). Remember, he who laughs last isn’t related to anyone on the last page of this book.