Loving to Fight or Fighting to Love: Winning the Spiritual Battle for Your Marriage

IT’S NOT ABOUT WHO’S RIGHT, BUT WHAT GOD’S TRYING TO TEACH YOU BOTH. Join bestselling author Gordon Dalbey and his wife Mary, a psychologist, on this pioneering adventure through the wilderness of marriage conflict into the blessing of maturing faith and growing love. From sex and finances to in-laws and parenting, here’s both tell-it-like-it-is truth for those with ears to hear and show-it-like-it-can-be grace for those with hearts to believe. FOREWORD Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses…. He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy. The time for mourning and the time for dancing, the time for making love and the time for not making love, the time for kissing and the time for not kissing. (Eccles. 3:1,4,5TEV) It was the Fight of fights. Tempers blazed. Fingers pointed. Accusations flew. Shouts fired. Threats launched. Feet dug in. Positions defended. No prisoners taken. “You never…!” “You always…!” “I’m done!” “Fine! I’m out of here!” And then the silence. The confident standoff. Let’s see who blinks first! One leaves for a friend’s house that night. The sun sets on anger. Shadows close on distant, self-satisfied pillows. And eyes that do not close. No problem. At first. Then the sleepless justification. Vindicating re-hash. Sharpened barbs. Re-enforced defenses. A new zinger determined to mention next time. The Accuser smirks. Righteously alone, the accusers examine their bedroom ceilings, anticipating. But no call comes. So what? I won the argument. Until at last, seeping relentlessly through the brokenness, comes the fear of losing. Everything. What if we never…? Later the next evening, as husband and wife lie smiling in each other’s arms, they turn to each other with a kiss and…. What?Hold on! What is this, some kind of sadistic fairy tale? We’re talking knock-down, drag-em-out brawl, and suddenly the two are making love? How in the world did that happen? I’m glad you asked. So God created man in his own image…male and female he created them. Gen. 1:27 Because God’s image is reflected in man and woman united, the enemy of God wants to destroy marriages—most often, by making partners think the other one is the enemy. IT’S TIME TO FIGHT TOGETHER: NOT AGAINST EACH OTHER, BUT SIDE-BY-SIDE AGAINST YOUR TRUE, SPIRITUAL ENEMY. So that you will know the hope to which he has called you, and how very great is his power at work in us who believe. Ephes. 1:15ff CONTENTS Foreword: It Was the Fight of Fights, but… 1 Finding Your Voice: Starting Apart, Finishing Together 2 In the Beginning: Why It’s So Hard 3 Never Waste a Good Fight: Getting a Third Opinion from the Great Physician 4 For Better, for Worse: Letting Go of Judgments (Mary Dalbey) 5 When You’re Hot, You’re Hot; When You’re Not… It’s Time to Talk about Sex 6 Hurt People Hurt People: But Holy Spirit Heals 7 Leaving Father and Mother: The Trailhead to Marriage 8 For Richer, for Poorer: Whose Money Is It? 9 Staying Focused as Parents: Whose Child Is It? 10 Fire Prevention: How to Stop a Fight before It Starts 11 Caution! I Love Like You: The Case for Grace *”Forgive us, Father, for turning away from each other instead of turning toward you.” *Anger is pain masquerading as power. *God does not lift up one partner to humble the other; He lifts up Himself to humble you both. *With the capacity to judge, it’s not far from Paradise to a fight. *Sexual intimacy happens not by trying harder, but by surrendering more deeply to God and each other. *Money exposes your values; that’s why it’s such an explosive issue for marriages. *When you let Jesus heal your childhood wounds, You don’t need to act them out any more in your marriage. TRUE LOVE GROWS OUT OF GREAT COURAGE— AND GREAT FAITH IN THE ONE WHO ANIMATES IT.