Becoming Latina in 10 Easy Steps

Okay, so let me get this straight. Now that I’m 27 years old with a high-powered career in Hollywood, and a life that most people would make fools of themselves on a reality TV show to have, now I find out that I’m not who I thought I was – that I’m only half Mexican? My saint of a Mami seriously had an affair with a white guy from her church group, and lied to me my entire life? I know, this shouldn’t freak me out, but I’m already not-Latina-enough in the eyes of my traditional family. To them, I should have been married years ago. And no real Latina has to order take-out they remind me. Now, I have to admit to being a gringa? How will I ever live this down? The answer is clear. I have to prove that I still have roots! And I know just how to do it – I’m kicking off my 10-step plan to become more Latina by . . . Dating only Mexican men. Latinos are hot. Especially the bad boys. To tell the truth, I’m going to enjoy this step. But no one seems right . . . except George Ramirez, one of my coworkers. Unfortunately, George is more Americano than I am. He can’t even speak Spanish. He simply won’t do . . . will he? Learning to cook, home-style. What can be so hard about slapping together a tortilla? I used to make them with clay in pre-school all the time. But, uh, this career girl has set off the smoke alarm a few times in the past. After a few private cooking lessons, I should be able to show my smug sisters that even I can warm a man’s belly with more than a shot of Tequila. Mentoring an at-risk Latina. Catching Lupe tagging my car leaves me with two choices, send her to Juvie or take her under my wing. Even if she doesn’t know it, I’m about to change her life. But between her switchblade and her bad attitude, I’m starting to wonder who’s more at risk: her or me? When I’m finished, I’ll be able to out-Latina my sisters and cousins, no problem. No one is going to accuse me of be half anything ever again. And yet . . . who knew being myself could be so much work?